Total obsession, p.1
Total Obsession, page 1
contents
Playlist
Trigger Warnings
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Epilogue
Extended Epilogue
One Small Request…
Acknowledgments
Connect with Ivy
Also by Ivy
The Estate
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
You are beautiful
Copyright © 2023 by Ivy Wild
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover Model: Onofre Contreras
Photographer: @miguelanxo
Editing and Proofing: Jamie @imnotapa
To every girl who’s ever felt like
they were losing their mind over a guy.
This one’s for you.
playlist
Listen on Spotify
“Shiver” by Coldplay
“Equal” by ODESZA
“No Light, No Light” by Florence + the Machine
“Do I Wanna Know” by Arctic Monkeys
“I Feel Like I’m Drowning” by Two Feet
“Begging for Thread” by BANKS
Love is like war; easy to begin but very hard to stop.
H.L. Mencken
My dearest reader,
My name is Aksel Michelson, and I am the hero of this novel. I use that term loosely. Soon you’ll be able to judge for yourself just what you think of me and my story.
All that being said, I do wish to warn you that my tale is not for the faint of heart. There will be mentions of difficult situations. I’ve been told that some readers like to go in blind to these things while others like to see just what they’re getting themselves into. For those who fall into the latter camp, please do feel free to visit the below link to view the trigger warnings. This way we save the suspense for those who want the shock and awe factor.
That’s all for now.
Axe
Link to trigger warnings
prologue
fifteen years ago...
AKSEL MICHELSON
"Are you nervous?" I asked her. We sat in the little gazebo on the edge of her property. It overlooked what really was just a stormwater retention pond, but it was still kind of a water view. It didn't matter to either of us though. It was still our place.
"No?" she said with that infectious laugh of hers. "Are you?"
I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. "No," I lied.
Tomorrow was our first day of high school. Our town was set up so that there was just one big high school, but a bunch of small elementary and middle schools. New people scared me, but I'd never had to deal with that for all those years, at least not at school.
Zoey was the complete opposite of me. She had this beautiful chestnut-colored hair and bright blue eyes. She smiled at everyone she met and within two seconds, they always smiled right back. She could start up conversations with strangers and by the end of it, she knew their whole life story. No one stayed a stranger to Zoey Campbell for long.
I, on the other hand, was a different story. I wasn't sure that I was always this way, but my childhood hadn't been enjoyable thus far. People had hurt me in the past, so I stayed away from them.
I tried to stay away from Zoey, but she never let me. Every time I tried to pull away when we were kids, she would come over to my house, knock on the back door, and force me to come outside and play. She was the only friend I ever had.
And, the only one I ever wanted.
I knew I was just a kid, a pretty messed up kid from a shit town with a shit family, but I knew what I wanted. And, I wanted Zoey. She was the only person who knew my secrets and even knowing about all the bad stuff my Dad did to me when I was just a toddler, she didn't judge me for it. She didn’t think I was weird or damaged. She said she still liked me, still wanted to be my friend, and still accepted me for who I was.
"It's okay, Axe," she said to me. "Please just be honest. I want you to always be honest with me, okay?" she said, taking my hands in hers.
I looked up into her sky-blue eyes. There was such kindness there. It was so calming to me. Some days I felt like she was the only reason to keep living. Some days I felt like she was the only reason I was sane.
"I'm really nervous," I admitted to her.
She smiled. "There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"
I shrugged.
"What are you nervous about?" she asked, squeezing my hands, encouraging me like she always did.
I sighed. “The people."
"What about them?"
I twisted my lips. "I'm afraid they might hurt me." It's such a deep confession, it hurt just tearing it up from my heart.
Zoey leaned in, wrapping me in her arms. I sighed into her embrace, reveling in the sweet pea body spray that she always wore. "You don't have to worry about that, Axe," she said. "I'm going to be right there with you. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you."
"I know," I said to her.
She turned and reached into her bag, pulling out the little Polaroid camera that she was always carrying with her. She was always taking pictures and swore to me that one day she would be a photographer.
“Here,” she said, holding up the camera so that it captured both of us. “One for me,” she said, snapping the photo and waiting for the little card to come out. “And, one for you,” she said, snapping another picture, but this time, she turned and placed a kiss to my cheek. The photograph fell out of the machine and into my lap.
As the image came into view, I knew that I would carry this picture with me forever.
We weren't together for our last class of the day. I didn't like it. I liked being around Zoey. All the new people were super overwhelming. The entire day I just wanted to climb under the stairs or into a locker and shut everyone out. The only thing that kept me calm was the fact that Zoey was there with me. Except, for our last class, she was taking something called Chorale Spectrum. It was for all the kids that wanted to be dancers and actors. She'd had to audition for it and everything, and it was really cool that she got accepted as a freshman.
It was never something I would be able to do. My last class was just a study hall. It was horrible. End of the day and everyone was just talking and laughing with each other. I sat in the corner, but it was still noisy. I watched the clock for the entire hour until finally the bell rang and the school day was over.
Zoey and I had agreed to meet in front of the school at the end of the day. Our houses were within walking distance. We'd walked to school together, and she'd promised me we would walk back, too.
I saw her approaching our meeting place with what I knew to be the Chorale Spectrum kids. I was quiet but that didn't mean I didn't pay attention. If anything, I picked up on things that others missed because they were always talking.
She locked eyes with me, and I smiled. She started heading toward me and her friends followed. I shrunk back a little bit from the new group. "Axe," she called out to me.
"Wait, you know that kid?" one of the girls to her left asked.
The other one on her right scrunched her face. "He's super weird."
I watched as Zoey looked between the two of them. I waited for her to stand up for me. She always stood up for me. I was sure she would do it today, too.
"Um, he lives next door to me," she said instead.
My stomach dropped as I heard the words. I didn't just live next door to her. I was her friend. Why wasn't she telling these girls that we were friends?
"Ew," the one on the left said. "That's horrible."
"Yeah," the one on the right echoed. She gestured for the other girls to gather around her. "I heard that his dad is a pedo."
"A what?" the girl on the right asked.
"A pedo," the girl on the left said with wide eyes. "You know like," she hesitated. "Pedophilia. Like, he's into kids.
“I heard he was on the sex offender registry," Zoey said.
"Oh my God, Zoey, you can't live next to someone like that," the other girl chimed in.
The one on the left snorted and covered her hand. "How much you wanna bet the little weirdo lets his dad touch him."
The other girl laughed. I just stood there. I just watched them. I looked from left to right.
Left girl.
Right girl.
Left girl.
Right girl.
Zoey was in the middle.
Zoey was silent.
Why was Zoey silent?
Then she opened her mouth. Finally, she was going to make this stop. She was going to make them stop teasing me about my darkest secret. About the hurt I'd experienced. About something I had no control over. About the thing I had never told anyone about, because I was too scared. It was just an accident for her to say what she said.
She laughed. "Yeah. I bet."
"Well, come on. I'll give you a ride. Maybe you can crash at my place or something," the right girl said.
"Okay," Zoey responded.
She walked off.
I stood there.
She walked away.
I looked at her the entire time.
I didn't blink.
She didn't even look back.
I was alone.
I tried to sleep that night, but what Zoey said, or didn't say, was still running through my mind. I was trying to process what she did. I felt tears running down my cheeks.
I never cried.
Through all of the horrible things that had happened to me in my life, I'd never cried.
But, I was crying tonight.
Why?
I tried to fall asleep, but I ended up just laying awake and looking at the ceiling. Maybe tomorrow would be different. Maybe tomorrow everything would make sense.
I waited for her in front of the school again. I'd waited for her in front of our houses in the morning, but she never showed up. So, I walked to school by myself. We didn't have the same classes today. I was alone the entire day.
I was still hoping that she would show up this afternoon and walk home with me. Then we could sit in our gazebo again. She could tell me why she said what she said. I could tell her how everyone at school was stressing me out. She could tell me it was all going to be okay, and I could smell her sweet pea perfume.
I saw her open the door and walk through. She was with more people now than just the two girls from yesterday. She was in the center again. She seemed really popular.
"Zoey, it's the same kid from yesterday. He's like, staring at you," the left girls said.
"Do you need me to tell him to get lost?" It was a guy. A senior. Super popular and on the football team. Chiseled jaw. Inflated ego. He fit the profile of bully to a tee.
"No, it's okay," Zoey said.
"Zo, you've got to tell him to stop stalking you. Otherwise, people are going to think you're okay with it. It's," the right girl paused and took a step away from Zoey. "Not a good look."
"I'll handle it," Zoey said. Finally, she separated from the group and walked up to me.
"Are we going to walk home together?" I asked her as she approached me.
"No, Aksel," she said, calling me by my first name for the first time since we met.
"Why not?" I asked. I didn't understand.
"Because," she said with a huff. "We can't be friends anymore."
"Why?" I didn't understand.
"We just can't!" she yelled at me. "You're weird! You need to stay away from me!" She spun on her heel and walked back to the group.
They all laughed as they walked by me. The bully spit on my shoes when no one was looking.
I stood there.
I watched her walk away.
I was alone.
Because she left me.
She told me she would never do that.
I laid awake again.
"You're weird! You need to stay away from me!"
I kept hearing her words repeat over and over again in my head. They weren't right. I didn't understand why she said them. Why couldn't we be friends anymore? We'd been friends all this time. Why all of the sudden had she said we couldn't be friends?
Then the conversation from yesterday started to filter into my head. She knew what my dad did to me. Why would she let them tease me about it? Why would she laugh and agree with it?
I thought back further. I thought back to the day before yesterday. What she had said to me in the gazebo. In our gazebo. She told me that she would never let anyone hurt me.
But, she hurt me.
She hurt me.
This was what hurting felt like.
I wasn't crying tonight. I was just hurting.
The doorknob of my room started to jiggle. I always locked my door at night. I didn't sleep well because of my father. As I got older, his attacks got less and less frequent, until I thought that they might finally stop. Even still, it always happened at night. Before I was old enough to know how to lock my door. Now, I always locked my door.
The handle jiggled again, and I pulled the covers up higher on me, thinking they might somehow save me from whatever monster was out to get me now.
I heard a growl from my father on the other side of the door, and then I heard the lock pop. He'd picked it. He stumbled through the doorway, and I could smell the alcohol on him from where I was under the covers.
"Aksel," he muttered, making his way over to my bed. He wrenched the covers off of me. I was shivering now.
"Why do you have so many clothes on?" he asked.
Because of him.
He started to sloppily grab at me. I was in sleep pants and a tee shirt. He was trying to loop his hand into my waistband. I kicked and tried to fend him off, but my father was a big guy. He was tall and overweight and it was hard to get him to move even as I kicked him with both feet.
"Stop fighting me, boy," he said, slapping me across the face. It stung and my hands came up to cup my face. I looked up to see the little Polaroid Zoey had given me yesterday propped up on my desk, the one of her kissing the very same cheek that was burning now.
He hurt me.
She said she'd never let anyone hurt me.
I'm hurting again.
"Go away," I said to my father.
He moved in and hit me harder. "You know what this is, Aksel. Just stay still for a moment and it will all be over."
I wished Zoey were there. I needed help. I needed someone to step in. I needed someone to make this stop.
Then I realize that no one was coming.
It was just me.
She said she'd never let anyone hurt me.
My father punched me in the face to try and knock me out. I fell down off the bed from the force, and I heard him unloosen his belt buckle before I saw him try and push down his pants.
I was on the floor.
I was hurting.
I was alone.
No one was going to save me.
So.
So then.
So then I had to save myself.
My father tried to pick me up by the wrist, and I wrenched away from his grasp.
"You little prick," he yelled, grasping at my hips. "You ungrateful shit. I pay for everything, and you fight me?"
I kicked at him. "Don't touch me!" I yelled at him.
"I'll do what I want under my roof," he hollered.
He started grabbing at me again. I was worried this time. His grip was strong and he pulled me towards him and flipped me over. I looked around for anything. It was up to me. I had to save myself. No one was coming to help me.
Zoey said she wouldn't let anyone hurt me.
Zoey lied.
I grabbed at the bedposts, looping my fingers around one, and used it to pull away from him. My other hand flailed wildly, trying to find something to use as a weapon. My fingers wrapped around a paperweight on my desk. It was what I’d used to lean my Polaroid against. It was a replica of the Great Pyramid made out of steel. It had been my mother's. It was heavy and sharp at the top.
My Polaroid fell to the ground as I swung the paperweight around and hit my father in the head with it. He lost his balance from the shock and stumbled a few steps. Blood trickled down his cheek from the impact. I watched as he reached up, running his fingers through it before pulling them back down. He looked at his fingers and then at me.
