Something right behind h.., p.2
Something Right Behind Her, page 2
“You’ve got the key? Do you know the caretaker’s number if you need anything?” Mom asked. She faced me, hands on slender hips, feet apart, as though she were trying to appear larger than she was. She was wearing her running shorts, and sneakers, and looked, from the waist down, like a kid herself. But her expression was all Mom, tension showing from terse frown to wide worried-looking brown eyes. “Remember, be careful. Stay where the lifeguards are. And Andy, if anything doesn’t seem right with Eve, just don’t go. Wait for another time. Her mother says she’s awful moody.” I rolled my eyes, too exhausted to get worked up.
“It will be fine, Mom,” I said. “We’re going to the Jersey Shore, not a foreign country.” I could see her trying to control herself, and she finally let out a heavy sigh, and turned back to Milly. It was good to have the kid around as a mom-distractor.
“What’s that smell?” Milly said, as if on cue, and Mom snatched the plastic spatula out of her hand. Half the thing had melted right into Milly’s boiling blueberry sauce.
“Goddamn it,” Mom said. “ Now we have to throw the blasted stuff out!”
“Ugh,” Milly said. “I hate plain pancakes.”
I was just glad Milly had gotten Mom off my back. All week, between Mrs. O’Meara, and my Mom, the beach trip had seemed pretty touch and go. It finally came together on Thursday night. Eve had called Doug and gotten him to convince his mother it wasn’t just an ok plan, but something Eve really needed to keep her spirits up. I loved that idea, Doug O’Meara as some kind of savior.
When he came to pick me up, Doug was freshly shaved and wearing a ridiculous pink polo shirt, which I chalked up to standard Princeton style. I hadn’t seen him in a while, since he’d left for school, and he’d already acquired something of the college boy about him. His hair was pretty short in back, but with a part in front that kept falling into his eyes in a way he had to recognize was smarmy-cute. Doug was unapologetic that way, didn’t mind letting you know he knew all about his own hotness. They had that in common, Eve and Doug, neither was very high in the modesty department.
I was about to open the car door, when Doug kind of shot out behind me to do it for me, reaching out and brushing his hand against the small of my back, gently guiding me. He was playing around, being chivalrous, as if we were on some kind of date, and not a mission to bust Eve out of town, to recapture something--her freedom, our friendship, my sanity. It was vintage Doug. I had always prided myself on being immune to his charms, though there was something about this whole trip that had me off-kilter. I was glad it was Doug who was taking us. He always played everything so cool, which was pretty much what was called for, given the seriously uncool circumstances.
I had my hair down and let it air dry so the curls stayed shiny. I wanted to look good, after the rotten night’s sleep I had. I’d been having these dreams for weeks, even over the summer, dreams that woke me up with such a start it was impossible to fall back asleep. They were all about Eve, with small variations, though one thing always stayed the same: Eve could walk again, not stumbling like she did in real life, but with long strides I could barely keep pace with. In these dreams she was always telling me something I didn’t want to hear, and I’d wake up as she leaned her dream-face toward me. Sometimes I woke up trying to say something. Sometimes, I couldn’t speak, but I knew the word I was struggling for was “no.”
Doug paused as he held the car door for me, looked straight at me, giving me his most sincere preppy-asshole look, the one he used to seduce whoever he happened to want at the moment, the one that set those baby blues on you until your insides turned to mush, only I knew he really meant what he was saying.
“Thanks, “ he said, sounding choked up for a second, “I think this is going to be really good for Eve. Getting out of the house and everything.” I wanted to tell him that it was really for me, too, that I was just a lonely, selfish girl who wanted her life back, who wanted a decent night’s sleep, but I kept quiet and hung my head, as if it were all true, that I was the very best friend a girl could have.
He shook his head slowly as he climbed in the driver’s side door. “My mom keeps her upbeat most of time,” he said. “But we haven’t gotten a lot of good news this summer. She, Eve, I mean, doesn’t know everything. I’m not going to betray a trust here, but I’m sure you’ve thought the worst?” We were sitting in the car at that point. Doug’s mouth was turned down slightly at the corners, like a child’s picture of someone frowning.
“Yeah, I guess I have,” I said. “But, I just get my information from Eve, and she’s been talking about this vitamin D therapy, Dr. Brown mentioned.
“Yeah, that’s it, good old Dr. Brown and his vitamin D. That’s what’s going to bring the old Eve back to us, kid.” He sounded real sarcastic at that point. I got a sort of sick feeling in my stomach then, and resolved to avoid the subject. I reminded myself that this was supposed to be a day that would help take our minds off Eve’s sickness. It wasn’t supposed to be a big day of reckoning. Doug seemed to remember that too because he dropped the subject and turned up the radio. I rolled down my window, and the air smelled cool and sweet. You could tell it was going to warm up, and be an excellent beach day, with the slightest hint of fall in the air.
When we got to the O’Meara’s, Doug paused for a second before getting out of the car, looked over at me with a serious, deep look, and then drummed out a little rhythm on the steering wheel, before he bounded out of the car. You could see how all those years of being a superstar athlete had affected Doug. You could see him getting all pumped up to face Eve, and get the whole business done, as if what we had in front of us were a particularly rough game, a battle against a rival team. Not that I knew what we were up against, but at least I admitted it was something unknown, something no one knew how to beat.
CHAPTER TWO
Eve was waiting in her wheelchair by the front door. She had her hair pulled up in a high ponytail, and lip gloss on. She and her mom must have been excited about her getting out of the house for the day. She even had on little shell earrings and leather flipflops with fringe around the top. She was wearing a light pink cover-up, but you could see she already had a bathing suit on underneath. It was kind of a funny thing, but as messed up as her one arm was, her other limbs weren’t as scary, just too thin, and a little ropey-looking. Her torso, and even her boobs were almost normal; you could see how she’d once rocked a bikini. With her good side facing me, she was still pretty. The left side of her face radiated a youthful glow, was still a flawless peachy-pink. Her left eye was still rounded, long-lashed, the eye-movement controlled, the expression changeable. It would be a left side day, I told myself. I told myself I could still find Eve there, on the left.
I gave her a little kiss on the cheek and she smelled sweet, like strawberries. “Ready to roll?” I asked.
“Sure am,” she said, and she smiled her half smile, her one-eye calm, grateful-looking, the other still, uninvolved with the rest of the face. I almost felt proud that it didn’t scare me to look at her anymore, and I thought about the other girls like Sharon and Gayle, who’d probably have to summon all their self-control not to freak when they saw her. But then it occurred to me what a shit thought that was. What self-congratulations did I deserve for being able to look my best friend in the face?
But that was the way things were now with us. There had to be
some pretending on everyone’s part. Even Doug, who’d always been all about Doug now had to be her hero. I was determined, though, to find a way to be with Eve that didn’t feel phony, that felt like it always had. I hated the way my voice still caught when I talked to her. I wasn’t sure if I was out to convince Eve, or myself, that we could still have a good time together, still be Andy-and-Eve. I wasn’t aware of it at first, but it was probably why I’d taken the opportunity when it came, and acquired the little gift I had for her stashed inside my purse. I wasn’t absolutely sure it was something she’d go for, but I knew I had to take the risk. My basic rule now was to try to do what I always would have done. In other words, be myself with her. It was hard, though, especially since my real self could only look at one side of Eve’s face. My real self had nightmares about the other side.
I waited until Mrs. O’Meara, this time in a yellow and white track suit - where she got these things I’d never know - was well out of sight, and then I bent down next to her and opened my bag, not wanting to let Doug in on the secret yet. I flashed her three perfectly rolled joints I had stashed in there in a Ziploc baggy.
Eve and I had established our Things to Do Junior Year sometime back when we were sophomores, before things got really bad, and we thought Eve had some sort of shoulder injury. The idea was that we’d seen how the first two years of high school had gone by really fast, so we realized if you wanted certain things to happen, you had to be organized about it. One thing Eve wanted to do was get high. She’d smoked before at parties, we all had, but somehow she hadn’t felt anything. She thought maybe she hadn’t done it right, or hadn’t inhaled enough. Anyway, she’d never had the giggly-munchies experience of being really stoned. I figured we had nothing to lose. Cancer patients smoked the stuff, so why not Eve? My heart beat a little faster as I let her in on it. I hoped she didn’t think I was crazy - or bitchy, like I was ignoring her condition and acting like we were there just to party.
But Eve seemed impressed. “Where did you get those?” She asked. Her left eye opened wide, like she was a little kid and I just showed her a big bag of candy.
“George the Dirtbag,” I said. “I saw him earlier in the week, and he asked about you. I told him I was seeing you this weekend, and he went and got these for me. Delivered them to my homeroom Friday morning.”
“What a guy, “ she said. “Homeroom delivery and everything.”
“Yeah,” I said. “He said it was medical marijuana. He just gave it to me, didn’t charge for it.”
“Of course not, Andy, you idiot, he’s always been totally in love with you.” She’d ignored the thing about it being medicinal. I actually didn’t know if George had been joking about that, or if that was him bragging about the quality, but I let it pass since she had.
“Oh please,” I said. “That’s just what I need. A Dirtbag guy.” Eve chuckled at that, like she got a kick out of the idea of me with George, like without her around to babysit me at school, I’d go down the tubes and start dating stoners.
“Ok, ladies let’s hit the road before we end up spending the whole day in the car,” Doug said. He’d just come back out onto the porch after talking to Mrs. O’Meara, probably calming her down about the whole deal, assuring her he’d take good care of Eve. I closed up my bag quickly, and followed him out to the car, wheeling Eve’s chair, her ponytail bouncing, her head slightly askew. “You better hop in back, Andy, and I’ll get Eve up in front.”
“Will do,” I said. I looked in the back of Doug’s crummy old Honda civic. There were a few Budweiser cans rolling around back there and a sock, but nothing too frightening – no jock straps or anything.
I started to relax once we got on the highway, heading over the Tappan Zee Bridge. I felt a weight lifting off my chest, like finally I was doing the right thing, hanging with Eve. I suddenly couldn’t remember why I’d felt so awkward around her that first visit after the summer. She didn’t seem to hold anything against me. Naturally, she wanted everything as normal as possible. All I had to do was go along with the program.
Once we got about halfway down there, you could smell that beachy smell in the air, and the sun felt warm with the windows open. From the backseat, I could see a few strands of Eve’s hair getting caught in the breeze, just outside the half-opened window. It was good to see her like that, wind in her hair.
“Doug, “ I asked, almost yelling to be heard over the breeze. “Do you mind if I light up?” It was his car and all and I didn’t want to be rude, but it seemed like the right time to do it, like it’d set the right tone for the day. Doug looked at me in the rearview mirror and shook his head the way he sometimes did, giving me a little sideways grin.
“When did you start hanging around with burn-outs, Eve?” He asked. “I’m gone a few weeks, and Andy here becomes a pothead, and who even knows what badass stuff you’re getting yourself into.” He rumpled Eve’s hair, as if she were out and about causing who knew what kind of trouble.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” I said, and I rummaged around in my purse for my lighter. It took me a few tries to get the joint lit, with the breeze blowing into the back of the car, but I cupped my hand around the flame and got it. I took a hit, then leaned over Eve’s seat so she could take one. I could feel her take the joint between her lips and pull deeply on it. “Whoa,” I said. “You’ve got to pace yourself, Eve. George said this stuff was strong.” I wanted her to get good and stoned, but I was a little worried she might not take to it too well. You never knew with people who hadn’t ever gotten high before. You never knew with people who had a lot of crap on their minds. She giggled, though, as I took the joint out of her mouth, and I could feel her good mood all the way in the back seat, or maybe it was just the smell of salt air, the warm breeze on my face.
“Don’t forget the old man,” Doug said, and reached back for the joint. Our fingers touched and it felt like he made a bit too much of fumbling for the joint. “Jeez, Andy, you think you’ll make it to graduation, or are you going to turn dirtbag on us and start hanging out with all the druggies. Kind of seems like you’re going down the tubes.” Doug was like that, getting on some dumb line and not getting off it, but I refused to take the bait.
“Ha, thanks a lot. Actually, it could be in a couple of years I’ll be joining you at Princeton,” I said, but then stopped short. Who knew where Eve would be by the time graduation came around. It was something I wasn’t ready to think about, and from the quiet up front, Eve and Doug didn’t want to talk that far into the future either. Luckily, that was when the munchies hit.
“Andy, what’s that taco place right by your house? You know, Surf’s Up? Is that it? I am dying for that fish taco!” Eve was always, not only the girl with the best body in the grade, but the girl with the biggest appetite, a fact that had always struck me as completely unfair. Now I wondered if all that food, and that lean frame of hers were somehow connected to her ALS. I had always said there was something wrong with her, but I meant something more like a tapeworm.
“It’s Surf Taco,” I said, “and stop talking about it, or I’ll lose my mind. We still have twenty minutes until we get there.”
“Can you girls handle yourselves stoned,” Doug asked, “or are you going to be an embarrassment at this place?”
“Um,” I said, as I took one last hit, and Eve started to laugh. She had the craziest goddamn witch-cackle.
The girl behind the counter was wearing a tie-dye T-shirt that said Surf Taco across the front. She had her hair in a braid and the wholesome look of a girl who thought riding her Hampton’s Classic without a helmet was the height of rebellion. She was super-sweet when she saw us wheel Eve in, and she came out from behind the counter to help us with the door.
“Hey, you guys, let me open the patio up for you, so you don’t have to get that chair up the step,” she said. “We only have six tables, so we don’t have a handicap ramp.” She propped open the double doors that led to an alleyway where they had a few tables set up.
“Awesome,” I said, and we wheeled Eve up to the table. I was glad to have the patio to ourselves since the place filled up at lunchtime with moms and little kids. Doug and I went to order the food while Eve sat outside. I could see her taking it all in, a faint leftsided smile on pursed lips. I thought she looked better, like her face had regained some of its form, though I knew this had to be a trick of the light, or stoned wishful thinking.
Then a random thing happened. While we were standing there, looking up at the menu board, Doug and I started holding hands. It happened, it seemed, for no reason, the way little kids take the hand of the kid next to them. This distracted me so bad I couldn’t figure out what the heck to eat. Finally, Doug just started ordering stuff and I chimed in. I could feel Eve’s eyes on us, and when I turned toward the table with our food, I knew that she’d seen us, and her look went from one of faint amusement to something more like a warning. She narrowed her good eye at me. It was a real don’t-fuck-up-Andy Eve sort of look. Like in the old days. Eve liked to be the one who seemed the most in control. I shrugged, chalking it all up to weird stoney behavior.
“Here’s one delectable fish taco, chips, the best guacamole in New Jersey and a pineapple smoothie. I placed the food in front of Eve, then sat down next to her and dug into my burrito. It was cheesy and steaming and my mouth watered.
“Thanks, guys, looks great,” Eve said, and Doug and I looked up. I could feel the salsa dripping down my chin. In our stonedness, we’d both forgotten that Eve couldn’t hold a fork.
“Oh, shit,” I said, and burst out laughing. Then Doug and Eve got the giggles too, and the three of us just sat there cracking up over the pathetic fact that Eve couldn’t feed herself, and Doug and I were such assholes we were too busy flirting and stuffing our faces to notice. The fact that the truth was so awful made it all the funnier. You could see how helpless Eve was to control her laughter, with the normal side of her face looking red-eye-stoned, and the messed up side remaining still. I thought the side that didn’t move looked scared. It freaked me out a little, how the dead side of her face got carried along with the good side.
Just then, two moms with about five kids between them came out to the patio. They looked at us pretty funny, because who wouldn’t and then they sat kind of stiffly at their table. One of the women, I noticed, flinched when she caught a glimpse of Eve’s withered shoulder and bad arm.
